Honestly, I’m so glad to be at the end of this week! It’s really been one of those weeks that I just wish I could forget; or better yet, I wish it just hadn’t happened.
It really all started 12 days ago when I found out I was pregnant, again! I found out on Monday night and I told Alex on Tuesday morning. We were both thrilled, but we were scared too given that the only other time I’ve been pregnant, I miscarried. I was feeling good this time though, it felt more “real.” I thought that meant everything would be ok. Then, just like in January, on Friday night I started spotting and cramping really bad. I had bad cramping and bleeding on and off throughout the weekend. I called my OB’s office on Monday morning and the nurse told me to stay home and keep track of my symptoms and if the pain or bleeding got too bad to go to the ER. Right before I got off the phone with her I mentioned that most of the cramping was on my right side, she stopped me right there and said to go to the ER because the pregnancy could be ectopic. An ectopic pregnancy occurs when the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, usually in the fallopian tubes. Usually this is caused by damaged fallopian tubes so the egg just can’t make it through. Pain on only one side can be a sign of ectopic pregnancy.
So, Alex and I headed to the ER. They did blood work and an ultrasound (for once I would like to have an ultrasound and have it be for a good reason, not confirmation that I lost my baby). Everything was “inconclusive.” It was too soon to see much on the ultrasound, though they could tell for sure that it was not ectopic. They sent me home and told me to call the OB and tell him what they had done and that they recommended getting my blood work re-done in two days (to see if my bHCG level had dropped, meaning miscarriage; doubled, meaning healthy pregnancy that just had some bleeding; or neither, meaning something else was wrong).
I went in two days later for the blood test but by then I was bleeding heavily and passing clots so I knew this was a miscarriage. The OB called two days later and confirmed my bHCG level had dropped from 33 to 10 indicating a miscarriage. I really liked the nurse that called to give me that information. I know that sounds weird but she was nice, she acted like I had just lost my baby. She said she was sorry that I had to go through this again. In the ER they don’t act like there is a baby’s life involved, they are very cold and clinical. But this nurse was the opposite of that. She gave me her name and told me to call her if anything changed or I had any questions.
Yesterday, was the first day in about eight days that I hadn’t had severe cramping (by severe I mean on the floor, face down, unable to move. I’d say like a 9 on the 1-10 scale that docs love so much). Ironically, yesterday I started having a new pain, the emotional pain of realizing that my baby is gone. Alex has had almost two weeks to process the miscarriage now, so he is starting to move on and stress out about normal things, like work again. But I’m just now realizing what all the physical pain meant. Alex and I had an argument last night because I got really upset when he came home from work and said that he doesn’t get a day off next week. His schedule had already changed once and he has to work today. Apparently, my grieving process involves becoming exceptionally clingy. All I want is Alex here, where I can see him, touch him, and watch movies with him. So last night when I got upset about the schedule change Alex tried to figure why it was upsetting me so much. I finally told him that to me the miscarriage may as well of just happened today, because when it is actually happening I’m in so much physical pain that I can’t even think about why the pain is there. Now that the physical pain is gone, I have to deal with the facts of what actually happened. This really was as much a revelation for me as it was for him. I hadn’t really thought about why I felt so lonely and sad yesterday, but when Alex asked me why I was forced to think about it and find the answer.
I also realized last night that I handle hard times much like my mom handles them. When my mom gets stressed, upset, doesn’t feel good, or something bad is happening she goes out. She goes and gets a facial, new hair-do, or a pedicure. She tries to make herself feel pretty and that relaxes her. Well, yesterday I went and got a haircut and highlights, and today I got a pedicure. I also got “dolled-up” last night because I wanted Alex to take me out when he got home, just to get a drink or something. But, Alex was late getting off work so we ended up just getting ice cream at McDonald’s.
On top of all that we are moving at the end of the month and now that Alex is having to work so much more I’m having to get ready to move on my own. Which I’m really hating! Plus, when Alex is home he so exhausted from work that he just doesn’t want to do anything, and I can’t blame him, he has been working so much.
Oh yes, another added bonus of this week is that it was finals week! So, in between going to the ER, packing, calling the doctor, being doubled over in pain, and getting blood drawn, I had five finals and Alex had two!
Here’s to a new week, that I’m praying is better than this one!
I’ve just got to keep hoping.
Coffee With Emma 